The Other Hawkins Power Rankings

1. Avalon Park Assassins

The seriousness of Romo’s injury could affect this ranking, but until someone knocks this team off, it is the undisputed king. The Assassins arrogantly trotted out a TE on a bye last week and still threw the NL1 division-leading Pedros over the mountains last week. This team’s biggest weakness might be its depth, as Romo’s injury shows: Dan Orlovsky is the slated starter should Romo be a no-go. But this is the case with most teams in a deep 12-team league, so it’s hard to fault the AP Assassins for that.

Average Margin of Victory: 34.2 points

Interesting Fact: The Assassins have one win of less than 1 point, two wins by less than 4 points, and three wins by less than 10 points. Yet, they also have scored wins of nearly 99 and 70 points.

2. Hoof Hearted

Another team without a real glaring weakness among the starters, although there is a loose correlation between the score Peyton’s little bro puts up and Double-H’s score. Should Eli return to his inconsistent self—and last week’s performance certainly suggests it’s possible—the team can look to JaMarcus Russell as its savior. Yikes. Hoof Hearted are coming off their first loss of the year, and it was an ugly one, so this spot in the rankings might also be tenuous.

Average Margin of Victory: 8.8 points

Interesting Fact: With Witten and Jennings, Hoof Hearted is one of only two teams to have two players who rank #1 in fantasy points for their position. (The Bourne Ulceration is the other, with Titans HC and Portis.)

3. Wings of Pastrami

The only thing keeping the WOPs from the #2 ranking is an 0-2 head-to-head record against nemesis Hoof Hearted. While Hoof Hearted has taken care of inter-divisional business, WOP has dropped those only two divisional contests. Otherwise, WOP has outscored his 5-1 rival and is coming off a respectable 140+ output. The spotlight is on the QB position for this team, as well. So far, with Big Ben getting beat up, WOP has been surviving on a Gus Frerotte wing , and this week it looks like a Matt Schaub prayer. This might work through the middle part of the schedule, but as the playoffs near, you wonder if the team would take back the Kurt Warner deal. It’s worked out well so far, though, as this is one of the league’s better teams.

Average Margin of Victory: 27.9 points

Interesting Fact: This team has only one contest decided by single-digits, a heart-breaking 0.4 point loss to Hoof Hearted. No other game has even been within 20 points.

4. Team Vote 4 Pedro

This is a team that knows when to have a bad game, as their lowest scoring games correspond with those games in which they’ve had the highest score against them (103.4-165.8 and 84.5 to 183.4). The other four games have produced a solid 137.5 pp/g average. Aaron Rodger’s success has buoyed this team against the nearly bustworthy performance of its first round pick, Addai, and a somewhat unspectacular season from T.J. Howsyourmama. The boom-and-bust trend continues with the inspiring play (minus last week’s performance) of Santana Moss versus the unpredictable play of LJ. In the end, Team Vote 4 Pedro registers as the “best” of a clear second tier of teams.

Average Margin of Victory: -11.6 points

Interesting Fact: Team Pedro one of three teams to be undefeated on the road and within the division. (AP Assassins and Hoof Hearted are the others.)

5. Bourne Ulceration

This team could easily be 4-2, but it ran into a buzz saw in Week 2, as a 154 point effort was snuffed out by the Assassins’ 224 point onslaught. But things are looking up for the Ulcers, as Peyton Manning and Braylon Edwards finally put up the kind of games that their owners were expecting last week. With Portis performing like a clear #1 RB and Ronnie Brown looking like pre-knee injury Ronnie Brown, the RB position has become less of a question-mark, which bodes well for this team going forward.

Average Margin of Victory: -8.7 points

Interesting Fact: The Ulcers is the only team to see its scoring improve four weeks in a row.

6. West Meadows Molesters

It’s hard to put any team that has scored 52 points in a game in the top half of the league, but the bottom line is that there is some firepower here. The Molesters are perfect within their division, and McNabb and Bush are making those draft day scoffs look ridiculous. McNabb’s play allowed the team to make a trade for stud Larry Fitzgerald, a fine weapon from that aerial show in Arizona. If McNabb can keep it up, this team should do just fine.

Average Margin of Victory: 12.3 points

Interesting Fact: Is the only team in the league not to have more than 140 points score against them in a game.

7. Huey Ramas

Take the Week 1 debacle out, and this team has been the very definition of solid, averaging 133.3 points in the weeks since the sub-100 point disappointment. The combination of Jay Cutler, Roddy White, and the Titans’ D has produced fine results. If Steven Jackson and Plaxico Burress start performing with consistency, look out. Being in the division with the lowly Turtleheads has also helped keep this team at .500 within the division.

Average Margin of Victory: 6 points

Interesting Fact: Is one of two teams currently on a win streak.

8. Bradford Brawlers

Despite the .500 record and the fact that the Brawlers are only one of three teams without a sub-100 points scoring game, this team ranks this low because it’s high game score is 134.5, the second lowest high score. Translation: Not much outburst potential here. The other knock on this team is that it’s pretty much a one-man show. Drew Brees has accounted for 49 percent of this team’s total points (nearly HALF) in three of the six weeks, and it’s no coincidence that Brees’ worst game was the Brawlers worst game. This one-sided attack is a dance with death.

Average Margin of Victory: 8.8 points

Interesting Fact: At 3-0, the Brawlers and the Assassins are perfect in their contests against their brothers.

9. Estelle Getty’s Boobs

Believe it or not, this team, at 1-5, is a playoff team were the regular season to end today. This is due to their 140+ average score. The lousy record is more a reflection of the tough breaks the team has faced, and with a 200+ point outburst in week 4, there’s proof this team has ability. Getting Colston back should provide a shot in the arm, and getting LT untracked would really make this team dangerous.

Average Margin of Victory: -14.7 points

Interesting Fact: This is the only team to have 140+ points scored against them four times, all losses.

10. Northeast Narcotics

Not much to say about this 2-4 team. The recent trade for Rivers, though, did help them snap a three-game skid and helped them achieve their highest point total of the season. With Gore playing well and a stout Vikings D, there are some pieces in place. Maybe last week was a sign of things to come.

Average Margin of Victory: -12.2 points

Interesting Fact: This is one of two teams to have at least 118 points scored against them every week. (Estelle Getty’s Boobs is the other.)

11. Fighting Cocks

The Cocks are flaccid right now. (Too easy.) They came out of nowhere and put up 165 on the Boobs in Week 5, and they’re still the lowest scoring team in the league. The move for Kurt Warner was a good one at the time, and it might give the Cocks a lift, but another way to look at that trade is that Derek Anderson’s ineptness cost the team one of the best WRs in the game, in Reggie Wayne. Now, with Anderson having a stellar game last week, the trade looks even sketchier. If Anderson is for real, the Cocks do have a rare luxury in this league, though, with depth at QB.

Average Margin of Victory: -19.1 points

Interesting Fact: This is the only team in the league to score under 100 points three times.

12. The Floating Turtleheads

Like their first-round pick, this team has been knee-capped by injuries. Tom Brady is out for the year; Nate Burleson is out for the year; Willis McGahee looks less than 100%; Anquan Boldin had his head knocked around; Reggie Brown has missed time; and Felix Jones is out for an extended period. Undoubtedly, the Brady injury made this an uphill battle, but the other injuries have doomed this team. With a roster that looks like a NFL practice squad, the Turtleheads are no longer floating, they’re drowning.

Average Margin of Victory: -31.3 points

Interesting Fact: The Turtleheads have lost every game by at least 7 points.